Return to Yamanashi --------written by Jason
It felt good to be back at Yamanashi. It was late fall, I saw colourfull
leafs spinning on the street. Actually I cannot even tell why I'm again
standing here near the neighbourhood which was once so familiar to me. Maybe
I just wanted to see this place before it's been pulled down. Since Saki
died, nobody have been taking care of it, and last winter I was forced to
consider the demolition of it. It felt sad to think about it because this
place was so important for me, though I hadn't been here for a long time.
Cold wind made me shiver. Some reason, I didn't continue walking. The house
was two blocks to the north. I didn't see it yet. After standing for a few
moments I decided to continue. I wondered if any of the neigbors recognized
me. Many of them had moved away and the people who were living here were
total strangers for me. I considered that just a good thing when I walked
towards the empty building.
The old house
I saw the gate of the house. I remembered that we once had some decoration
text over the gate. I couldn't remember what it was. I took the bunch of
keys I had digged from the attic in my house in the States. The gate opened
and showed me the yard.
There were a lot of brown leafs on the grass. It seemed that nobody had been
cleaning there for a long time. The garden was quite big. In center of the
garden stood an old looking Japanese style house. It looked Japanese from
the outside, but the inside of it was like a mix of western and eastern
decoration. Someone once said that there was strictly 50% of each one.
I closed the gate and gazed around me. I was confused. I expected that I
would burst into tears and feel some great emotions when I come here, but
instead, I didn't. Actually I couldn't feel anything. It felt so strange.
I saw a white, rusty garden chair lying on the ground near the table. I
decided to go inside, because I felt cold. I opened the door with my key.
The air inside felt heavy. I wondered how long this house had been standing
alone. As I expected, all the furniture were gone. There wasn't much
anything there, just one chair and an old sofa that I brought with me from
the States once. It was my grandpa's old style sofa. I liked it. It was
covered with a white sheet.
Before I closed the door, I took my shoes off. Though I knew that there was
nobody here who would care about that, it felt so normal and familiar to me
to take my shoes off before entering the house. It was my way of respecting
the japanese half of the house. I put my jacket to the coat-rack and turned
the switch on the wall. Of course, nothing happened. How stupid I was? There
hadn't been any electricity for ten years. I took the sheet off on the sofa
and sat to it. I sighed.
Nothing. I could feel nothing. It was like all my emotions had been turned
off. I wanted to feel and remember from the bottom of my heart. But somehow,
I just couldn't. It was so long time ago.
Akira
Suddenly my mobile phone rang. The voice of the caller was pretty familiar
to me, but I couldn't remember who it was. The caller was a male speaking
Japanese. I couldn't hear what he said. "Moshi moshi??", I said little
unsure. Then suddenly I recognized who it was. "Hi Akira! It's nice to hear
your voice after a long time!" I said with enthusiasm. It felt such good to
hear Akira's voice again. "How did you know that I'm here" I asked. "Oh,
Sato called me that you were back, so I thought to ask you to join me for a
cup of tea". Sato's family was living near the house, they must recognized
me when I was walking on the street, I concluded. "Oh, sure, I'd love to!
It's such long time ago! How have you been?". "Oh, just great. I'm a married
man nowadays. I have a wife and two kids". "Gongratulations! I didn't know
that!" I said. I was pretty stunned to hear all this. "So where shall we
meet?" I asked. "How about the good old Shogun-bar?". "Sure, that sounds
great" I said. "Let's meet there at 21.00, okay?" "Okay. See you there" I
answered. I hang up.
Akira was the older brother of Saki. We were really close friends once. I
wondered how he'd look. He must be close to fifty at the moment. I wondered
again how strange and unusual Japanese Akira was. He was totally different
from a typical Japanese business man. When I had first time gone to the
Saki's family, I hadn't a warm welcome. I was a gaijin, a incalculable
foreigner for them, and especially the Saki's mother, my mother-in-law, was
against our marriage.
Remember
I stood up from the sofa. Then, suddenly I heard something. The wind was
blowing outside. I heard the quiet sound of windchimes outside the building.
I listened it carefully. It sounded really beautiful. Then I remembered.
Everything started to come back to me. My feet almost yield.
I sat down. I remembered how Saki looked when she watched me. Then suddenly,
I saw all three of us throwing frisbee in the garden. Me, Saki and our four
years old son. We all looked so happy and warm.
I remembered the Shinto-style weddings we had, the honeymoon we spend
together in the States.. It everything came back to me. I couldn't stop it.
The peaceful way how we lived. Without any rush anywhere, just the opposite
to typical Japanese lifestyle. I wondered how good all things were then.
Nowadays my life was different. I spend my time practically just working.
Last ten years I had been working in our company. I didn't allow myself to
have any fun. This was my way to forget the past, to escape memories. Also
the good ones.
Tears came to my eyes. All that was past now, and it would never come back.
The rain stopped. I decided to go outside. I could smell the fresh air after
rain. It felt wonderful. When I was standing in our backyard, I noticed that
there was a hole in one of our paper doors.
I remembered how Saki looked when she stood in the doorway. We used to have
long discussions in the garden when Hiroshi was sleeping. Sometimes, we just
sat in the garden and watched the stars. She was very open minded for me,
and I felt some special unique similarity with her. Something that I didn't
feel after she died.
Meeting in the Shogun
It was soon 9 pm, so I thought I would get going. The Shogun bar was just
like before. All the tables were in the same places, I even recognized the
old man sitting in the same place he did before. I wondered how old he was.
There weren't very many people there. I wondered where everybody was. I sat
to the table. Then I saw Akira entering the pub. I waved my hand. "Hey!" I
said to him and smiled.
I walked towards him and shook his hand. He smiled. "It's surely is a long
time ago" he said and looked at me. "Too long" I said and sat to the table.
I was stunned. I couldn't say anything. "How have you been?" I asked. "Well,
pretty good" he said with a bit mysterious look on his face.
He looked much older than I expected. I wondered how old he was. I couldn't
remember. "So, you were just in the neighborhood, or did you really have
some reason to come to see these old places?" he asked and smiled. "Well,
actually, the demolition of the house forced me to come to check if there is
still something worth saving." "You are going to demolish it?" he asked with
the obvious worry in his voice. "Well, I cannot afford to save it, and
because nobody haven't taken care of it, it's maybe the best solution ".
"Well, it's your choice.., but if I were you, I would consider it carefully"
He answered with a serious look on his face.
"Actually I also had some other reason to come back. I heard that your mom
died. I'm really sorry." I said. "Thanks. She was allready pretty old. It
was good that she didn't have to suffer long. Brain-tumor finally got her",
he answered with the same serious look on his face. "Since Saki died she got
those depression seasons. And since you left it got worse. She felt guilty
about it I guess" he said and continued: "It must be hard for you to come
back". "Well, I have remembered much about the old times recently. The time
when we all were together living a happy life. I don't forget it easily. It
was a good time", I said and looked at the floor.
It was the same old Akira. He was always so friendly and kind. Now when I
looked him, his eyes reminded me about Saki. When we were living in
Yamanashi, he visited our house every week. We used to chat a long time, we
were such a close friends then. When I had moved back to States, I hadn't
heard about him ever since. It's now about fifteen years since I last time
saw him, I counted.
I didn't dare to ask about my kid. I thought that it was too painful subject
for both of us. Though I really wanted to hear about him, I thought that
Akira wouldn't dare to bring it up either.
"Maybe one reason for you to come back was Hiroshi, right?" Akira suddenly
asked. I wondered if he was able to read my mind. "Well, to be honest, yes.
How is he doing?" I answered with a little embrasment. "He is allright. He
had become a veryhonourable young man. He is now studying at university." He
said. It felt amazing to hear that. My kid studying at university!
Such a long time I had been denying his existance. When Saki died and I ran
away, Saki's relatives took him from me. I couldn't even discuss about it
with anyone. No, they couldn't let the absolutely strange foreigner take
care of him. Plus, they wanted to raise him in the traditional Japanese way.
I heard that Akira's older brother had taken care of him and grew him up
well. He had a good and safe family. That knowledge made me feel relaxed.
Painful memory
Then I remembered the last discussion that I had with Saki. I never told
anyone about it. Because I was back here now and I could really count on
Akira, I decided to do it.
"I never told you what happened last time with me and Saki before she died."
I said. Akira looked at me with a conserned look on his face. "I couldn't
ever tell this to no one. But I thought that maybe I should tell you now." I
sighed. "We usually didn't have much fights. We both always used to respect
each others opinions and we could easily discuss about our things. As you
know, she was open minded person."
"It was one evening when it happened", I continued, "We both had a long day
in work. We were tired, last week had been really busy for both of us, we
barely saw each others." "Oh, weren't you in the business trip in States at
that time?" "Yes, I was. I guess that also made us to be so tense. She came
from the office and brought Hiroshi from day-nursery. Then she started to
talk about the thing what we had discussed before. The topic was again the
education of our child. She wanted to grow him in Japanese way. She
mentioned that she wanted to put him to prep-school so he would get an
opportunity to get to good universities. I was angry with her. Child must
have an opportunity to play, to do those things which children do. I
remember that I mentioned her those high rates of suicides. The high
percentage shocked me, especially among young students who have failed
master exams. She looked at me with an angry look on her face. Her look was
yelling me: 'Gaijin!'. Then she slammed the door and went outside. That was
the last time I saw her. When I heard about the car accident, It was too
late. She had allready passed away."
Tears appeared in my eyes. I was ashamed to show my emotions. I blushed.
Akira looked at me with this understanding look on his face. "Great that you
told me this" he finally said. "There are many problems in the Japanese
education system, and I undestand that may shocks you. You didn't do
anything wrong. All couples have fights sometimes. It wasn't your fault that
Saki died. You didn't cause it. Maybe it was just supposed to happen like
that." I couldn't say anything. It all felt like a dream, where I'm walking
in a blurred, foggy, dark forest. But I must admit that it was relieving to
talk about it with someone like Akira.
He sipped his tea. "Would you like to stay in my place this night? I guess
you don't like to sleep in the old house, and it's too late now for you to
find a place anywhere, except at love hotels", he laughed and continued: "So
you practically don't have a choice." "If it's not too much trouble, I would
love to." I answered. "So, let's go then" he said and gulped his tea.
We walked down the hill towards his residence. It was dark. The street was
empty and it was pretty quiet, we didn't see any cars. The air felt still
rainy. Tomorrow there could be foggy weather I wondered. It felt amazing to
be back there.
Akira's house
We came near a great looking Japanese style residence. It was huge. Akira
was an architect. He had build the house by himself. The house was
surrounded by a beautiful garden. There were many trees, which were cut into
a shape. It seemed that the gardener was spending alot of time with them.
We came to the porch and took our shoes off. "Let's be quiet. Our children
are propably sleeping allready." He whispered. They had two kids, the older
one was near ten, and the younger was five. We walked to the 'living room'
where the tv was. His wife was still awake. "Hi honey" he said and smiled.
"This is my old friend, he was Saki's husband. This is my wife, Tomomi. "
She stand up and bowed. "Nice to meet you" she said and smiled. "Nice to
meet you too. My name is Lou." I said and bowed little clumsily. "I'm sorry
because I come here in the middle of the night." "No, you don't bother us
anyhow" Akira said. Please sit down.
There was an old Japanese movie running in tv. I recognized the film. It was
Mizoguchi's legendary movie about fourty-seven ronins, masterless samurais.
Tomomi went to get some tea. This was the famous Japanese hospitality I
thought.
We chatted with Akira a long time. He told me that Hiroshi had moved to
Osaka. He had an apartment of his own there. Akira told me that he was very
anxious to meet me. After chatting two hours, Akira apologized to me
referring to his next workday and showed me the guestroom. There was a futon
behind the sliding door which was easily spreaded to the floor. I thanked
Akira. We both said good night to each others.
The spirit of the sword
I took off my tight necktie and watched the wall. There were some beautiful
souvenirs from distant lands. My attention concentrated to a really
beautiful Japanese sword, katana which was in a wooden, beautifully formed
stand. I took it to my hand. It felt heavier than I expected. It was very
beautiful, the scabbard was full of encraving in japanese kanji letters. I
pulled the sword out of the scabbard. It looked amazing. The steel glittered
in the moonlight wich shined through the window near me. I thought to touch
the edge of it with my thumb. "DON'T!" Akira said behind me. I felt
embrassed. "It's really sharp, you'll cut yourself" he said and smiled. "Oh,
I'm sorry, it just looked so interesting" I said with embrasment. "It's
okay" he said and looked with that old familiar melancholic look. Moonlight
made his face look a little scary.
"I want to tell you something" he finally said. "When I was in the ambulance
holding Saki's head, she said something to me. I wanted to say it to you
earlier, but I didn't had the opportunity because you so suddenly left back
for USA. In her last moments she said that everything she felt was pure
feeling of love for you. I always knew that she was happy with you. She
really loved you from the bottom of her heart."
I couldn't help tear coming to my eyes. It felt good and painful at the same
time. "I want to give this to you." He said and looked at the katana. "It
has been travelling among our relatives a long time. A real samurai has
carried this once. I really want you to have this. You are real warrior", he
said and handed the katana to me. He looked like a father when he gave it to
me. "The spirit of this sword was once ment to kill people. But it was
formed again during decades and generations. May it now bring good fortune
to your life", he said and looked at me. I looked at him without knowing
what to say. I was speechless. At that moment I felt that I was finally
accepted to the family. The moment felt wonderful. I was finally able to
catch the spirit of life, to live inside the moment.
The night was still, and somehow, extraordinary peacefull.
Reconstruction
Now everything started to go better in my life. I didn't pulled down the old
house. Instead, I'm now planning a renovation of it with Akira. It wasn't
such a bad condition at all that it looked at the first sight. I have also
met my son, Hiroshi. He is really clever, and he is now studying at the
university. He has the spiritual side which once connected me and Saki.
Time, that passed away, will not come back. But I still have those beautiful
memories of our family. I carry the spirit of life that we once had in my
heart.
I remember when Saki once said that "time never ends". She believed in
immortality.
She was right. She will live forever in our memories and our thoughts. Her
time didn't end, she will continue her life in our minds and memories. Now
I'm looking to the future with hope and enthusiasm.
(This story is the property of Jakko Saari. It is not to be used for commercial purpses)